NILMDTS

In the past year, I've been on three Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep sessions. It has been a life-changing experience for me. Each session has been very different and each session has been very emotional. I wanted to blog today to raise awareness for this amazing organization. Being a part of it has changed my life in so many ways.

Each time I have gotten a call, the pit in my stomach drops and my palms get sweaty and cold. I start shaking a bit, due to nerves - being nervous about what I'm going to see, what I'm going to hear, and what I'm going to say and do. I pray for my skills and abilities to shine. I pray that I know how to react when I need to. I pray that I remain professional. And I pray for the families. I pray that above all else, that God would hold all of them throughout this time.

I was fortunate enough to go up to the Chicago area for some training on March 6th with Julie Williams. She is on the board for NILMDTS and provides training sessions for photographers. I learned so much from this training and was able to network with some other photographers. Then, Tuesday March 8th, I got a call to go do a session. I was so thankful to have been a part of the training. It helped me get through that particularly tough session.

It's been an honor to be a part of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. It's taught me so much about myself, my loss, and how to help others through their loss. It's shown me how to be quietly compassionate... a touch on the shoulder, a whisper to a baby, gentle posing, quietly stepping out of the room, getting water, a soft smile, a small fist wrapped around a pinky... I am honored that parents have had us there in their darkest of moments, those moments of the birth of their child and possibly the passing. The moments when they say goodbye. What an honor that they are trusting you with such precious moments.

This isn't something I "enjoy" doing. I don't look forward to these sessions. I dread them because I know the amount of pain behind them. However, I am totally honored, humbled, and amazed at this organization. I feel like this is something I need to do. I have sobbed and poured my heart out to God for these families (the car ride home is silent except for crying and prayers) and the hug waiting at home for me has become my rock.

I want to encourage anyone out there, photographer, parents, grandparents, etc... when you think about tithing, volunteering, etc... think about this organization. Think about how these parents never want to forget that beautiful child brought into their lives if only for a short time. Thank you, NILMDTS for being such a gift to these families, and to me. I am truly changed.

nearing the end

I've found a couple of things that have really been helping with Gabe's temper tantrum issues. And, they've REALLY been helping. It's amazing how much easier it is to deal with a tantrum when I look at my own behavior during one. I realized I needed to change some things. Rather than getting visibly frustrated, I've really learned to keep my cool and not worry about correcting him in front of others. I've let him calmly and firmly know what is not appropriate. If he continues the behavior, it's out of sight for Gabe. He either needs to go to his room, or be removed from the activity and we'll go into another room and wait for him to calm down. Since I've blogged (granted I was gone over night Saturday) he's done so much better! And, we had an absolutely great day today at the park.

March 30th will be my last day at work. I'm sad to be leaving something I know, but I'm looking forward to what God has in store for me. I am feeling pretty aimless. I have no idea of what I want to be when I grow up! I am still looking for a part time job... hopefully something great will come along!

so, I've had a bad day.

Bad week is more like it. (just be prepared... Debbie Downer's guest blogging today! HA!)

Today, I picked up Gabe from preschool and found out from his teacher that he had some problems in class. He didn't want to get in line at the end of class and he made some faces behind her back when she was trying to correct the situation.

I was really embarassed. One of my friends told me once not to let my child's behavior define whether or not I'm a good parent. But, I feel like it totally does! I mean, obviously, your kids learn that behavior somewhere. I know I don't make faces at Greg, (and hopefully he doesn't make faces at me!) but he's picked it up somewhere. And, we've all thought in our head at one point or another, "Look at that kid... why aren't his parents doing a better job of disciplining him?" Or, "Look at that! My daughter would never do THAT!"

We've been dealing with some really awful tantrums here lately too. Like really awful. Screaming, kicking, hitting, throwing things, etc... I have been dreading blogging about it, because I've been afraid it'll make me look like a bad mom. We love our son so very much. We really are pretty consistent with discipline. He knows if he starts a tantrum, he has to go up to his room and can't come down until he can talk nicely to us. While he's up there, he may throw things (we can hear toys being thrown). Then, he calls downstairs and tells us he's ready to come down. We tell him he cannot come down until he picks up the things he was throwing. So far, that's been working pretty well. The tantrums are pretty short-lived (5-7 minutes, enough time for him to cool down). Then, he comes downstairs and every thing is fine again.

I'd like to get to the point where there are no tantrums at all. Because that first couple of minutes is pretty brutal. It's so hard to keep your patience because you just want to get frustrated and yell back. I finally decided to just blog about this for a couple of reasons... I want other moms to know that if their kids are doing the same things, they are not alone! I feel pretty alone sometimes going through this. Also, it's just really been an issue and I was hoping some of the moms out there that read my blog might have a little advice.

I'm feeling pretty vulnerable about putting this out there. But, I know it and you know it, there's no such thing as a perfect mom! We've all got things we could/should be doing better. And, this is my first go at this... I don't know what's normal and what's not. Any comments/suggestions would be much appreciated! Or, if you want to share your stories too, other moms might benefit from knowing they aren't alone.

Nesting... kind of.

I have no idea how long the adoption process will take this time around, but when we started the adoption process with Gabe, we started the nursery too. It's kind of a fun way to prepare, as you never know when you'll get "the call". I hope it's really fast like last time and we have no time to prepare! But, you never know! Today, I was cleaning out Gabe's closet (where we were keeping the crib pieces) and suggested to Greg and Gabe that we go ahead and put the crib up in the nursery. I expected a little resistance from Greg because we haven't had much of a free weekend for awhile, but a couple of minutes later he said, "Gabers, let's go get the crib and bring it down!" What great boys. I'm so blessed that Greg can see the importance of preparing for the baby, even though we don't really have a pregnancy and we haven't even been matched yet. But, like in Gabe's case, we had 2 days to prepare for him, so the more we had done the better off we were!

The inspiration for the room comes from the figurines above. When my siblings and I were little, my Grandma Smith would have us choose a nursery rhyme figurine from her shelf and she'd recite the rhyme for us. We absolutely loved it. When my Grandma died, we each got one of the figurines. Mine was Little Bo Peep. A few weeks ago, I went on eBay to see if I could find anymore, thinking it was very unlikely. That day I ended up finding 5 more and ordered them right away! When they came in the mail, Gabe LOVED hearing the rhymes. We found his nursery rhyme book and it has become his favorite. The first one he memorized was Georgie Porgie. It's too cute to hear him recite it.

So, would you like a peek at the nursery so far? Keep in mind, I have window treatments, baby bedding, and pillows to make. And those God-forsaken mauve blinds will be GONE.

We're going with a vintage Nursery Rhyme theme. Greg's Mom had given me quite a few vintage linens, so they are being used around the room. I also ordered some vintage chenille to cover some pillows for the bed. The quilt was handmade by a longtime family friend who has since passed away. The quilt on the chair was purchase on eBay for $9.99. The dolls on the chair were mine (Miss Muffett - My favorite doll ever) and an embroidered linen doll.

The crib, changing table, and armoire were in Gabe's nursery. The shelf on the armoire holding the figurines will be painted white. And, of course, the cheap Ikea light is temporary... Just using it to work on the room.

And, finally, some artwork I purchased on eBay for $5.00. I'm going to frame each of these in white frames (with the frames up against each other side by side) on the wall above the crib. I love these vintage prints.

I'm having a really hard time finding nursery rhyme fabric that I love, so I'm still not sure on that. The closest contender right now is this. I'm counting on my bestie, Tami, to help me make some of this stuff! And, I'm so excited that this awesome gal is going to help with the planning and decorating too! I just love her style.

I'm very excited to bring a new member to our family. Gabe will be a great big brother. I can't believe we're actually in the preparation stages! I've been praying for our birth mom... that she is healthy with comfortable pregnancy and that she is being prepared for her decision to place. It's such a hard, selfless thing to do. Her heart will be broken. I'm praying that she will be able put those pieces back together in time.

just stay...

I'm probably one of the weirdest people in that I'd like Winter to stay. Yes, just stay. Winter, you can stay for a while. I'm not ready for Spring.

This time of year is always really hard on me. I know Spring is about everything that's new and green, and don't get me wrong, it's beautiful. But, it's a killer on my thyroid. Cold sweats pretty much on a daily basis. My body can't regulate the in between temperature. 55 degrees is kind of a bad temperature for me... my body just doesn't know what to do - be hot or be cold.

Also, my hair tends to freak out. I can't really straighten it because there isn't really a point! If I go outside, it's done for. If I wear it curly, it's ok, its just not 'beautiful' curls. I don't know if I just haven't figured out the right product or what.

And, March is when my due date was. I really do pretty well throughout the rest of the year. I just think about things a lot more this time of year. I have moved past it and realized that our life is exactly where it should be right now, but I'll never forget March 22nd.

I apologize for being a bit of a "Debbie Downer" tonight. I have so many blessings. I shouldn't be expecting March, April, & May to be "sucky" months. Let's take a look at what I have to look forward to...

March - Scrapbooking Getaway, Photography Training
April - Baby Shower for my Nephew
May - New Little Nephew! {And many photo sessions with him!}

Ok, so I definitely have some exciting things coming up. Life is good, Spring stinks, but it's all good.

Little One

We were outside tonight waiting for Daddy to get home. I begged and pleaded for some pictures with his new Cardinals hat and while we were taking pictures, he pointed up to the sky and said, "Mom, look, it's GOD!" It was a pretty sweet little moment. That's all he really had to say when I asked him about it... "Buddy, God, in the sky?" Gabe: "Yep." ...And that's all he has to say about that! Still, it was pretty sweet.

Gabe really missed his Dad this week and thought while he was gone his Daddy was in jail. No joke. Greg picked up some supper for us tonight and Gabe had to go with him because he didn't want Greg to go back to jail! And, I seriously didn't plant any ideas in the kid's head! Out of the mouths of babes...

News

Got a little breaking news for you all...

Greg, Gabe, & I will be adopting again! Tonight was the perfect night to tell you because I just finished up designing the profile that we will be sharing with prospective birthmoms. This time, rather than scrapbooking the entire thing and making copies, I made the pages in Photoshop and we're going to print them from home. It was a little more stressful this time around, just finding the time to sit down at the computer with a busy 4 year old! But, it's done and ready! And, so are we!

I mentioned before that I am being let go from my job effective March 31, or sooner, depending on whether or not they have enough work to keep me. So, ideally, there'd be a birth mom out there that we'd be matched with that was due right at the end of March! Then, I could take a maternity leave and hope to find another job. I hate to start another job and have to tell them that I don't know when I'll be "due"! :)

As we found out with Gabe, when the time is right, the time is right. So, we're going to let go and let God take care of the timing. He already knows if there's a baby out there meant to be in our family and when the timing will be. I'm not worried... I'm just really excited! Close family and friends know, but now it's time to share it with the "internot" as Gabe would call it.

Just some answers to questions we've been receiving:

1. Will it be a boy or girl this time? Well, we're not sure! You don't get to choose, and that's a-ok with us, since with a pregnancy you don't get to choose either.
2. Does Gabe know? We've talked about it and asked him if he'd like a brother or sister some day. He really wants a "brudder".
3. Where will the baby be from? We have no idea. We only know we will be having a domestic adoption again this time. Meaning, we will only be adopting in the United States. Hopefully, the birth family will be close so we can visit with them.
4. Will you have an open adoption again? Yes, we want both of our children to know their birth families. We prefer it this way... it's been such a blessing to know Gabe's birth family.

Speaking of birth families, I have posted a picture of Gabe with his birth grandma and his birth mom. (with their permission) We love them and have been so blessed, so very blessed to have them in our lives. They are very excited for us too and have been very willing to be a reference for us. They have just warned us that we probably won't find better than them though! :) They really are the greatest.