when I get where I'm goin...

I've thought a lot about the moment I get where I'm going. Now, because I'm a Christian, I believe with my heart that Jesus died on the cross for my sins. So, that means I'll meet Him in Heaven some day. I've thought about that time, walking with my Savior... What I'll ask him. What will matter. Will infertility matter? Will being overweight matter? Will the answer to whoever killed Jon Benet Ramsey matter? (Yes, I really want to know who dun it!)

Well, I don't think I'm going to ask 'why' me for infertility.

Crazy probably for me to think that way, I know. But, also remember, I have dealt with this for many years now - 8 or so. I've kind of come to a peace with it now. I know what my motherhood purpose is - to be a mom to the little boy I hear playing Batman in the tub right now. The little boy who makes me laugh everyday. The little boy that is guaranteed to frustrate me at least once a day. :) And, the little boy I would give everything up for. The little boy I would do it all again for. The hormone shots, the negative pregnancy tests, the waiting, the crying, the waiting, the pain, the waiting, ...

I would do it all again. In a second.

So, I guess it's not going to be one of the things I ask Him "Why?" I know why. Every road led me to Gabe, every tear, every heartache, led me to the little boy who is the center of my world. I could not love him any more than I do. I don't feel like he's someone else's. I don't feel like I missed out on the pregnancy. I feel like I got my own blessings in adopting a child. I don't feel like I was short-changed or cheated in any way. I feel blessed that I didn't experience the physical pain of labor. I feel blessed that Gabe's birth family has become part of our family. My boy has so many people in his life that love him so much.

So, I know why it all came together now. It took me a long time to get here, but I'm here. I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be, and God knew that all along.

So, other women out there with fertility issues, remember God knows what He's doing. And just as a parent looks out for their child (even when they don't think it's fair - something I'm going through with a toddler right now), God is doing that for you. He knows how it will all pan out, and remember, His plans are to prosper you, not to harm you. He will fulfill the desires of your heart. Trust me, I've been where you are. Through great pain, and I mean awful pain, comes wonderful, amazing things. Just trust that He will get you through it.